Introspection

If I think deeply, I find out that understanding your own self is as hard as understanding a random person that may be sitting next to you in transjakarta. But, the hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, then accept yourself. It's hard.

After this one year in 12th grade, met some new friends, got closer to the other friends, watched distance gaping between myself and another friend, got through some normal and even weird problems, witnessed some friends struggling, and of course I found myself suffering through this hard year (you know, some exams, try outs, those were killing me), I feel like I find something new about me.

It's not new, of course, but I just never knew it. It was like concealed and hidden, but now it appears on the surface that I can clearly see.

I appreciate honesty. I know it is common, but I just realized that I really appreciate it, even for some facts that people cannot bear. I mean, I cherish it when someone's coming clean to me, telling me some that I need to know. I hate it if someone lie to me. But call me hypocrite, I lie sometimes.

I never knew that I didn't want to cry. All that I knew was I could not cry. Well, crying is difficult for me. And additionally, I was doing this : every time I felt bad and the glands near to my eyes started to be watery, I forced myself not to weep. It happened all the time and now this is the result : even though now I want to cry, I just can't. Well, I still can burst into tears for severe pain, but I just can't for reasons that people easily cry for.

I always thought that I can never be involved in a long distance relationship and even friendship. But I am succeed to proof that I am able to get through that. Now that I am studying outside town, having some friends leave, but what is happening is that I am really expert in maintaining that friendship.

The most pathetic thing I just found out is that I adapt easily, too easily that somehow I lose my identity. Well, it can be that I am not losing my identity, but I just haven't known mine yet. But I really want to know, to build a character.

Oh, now I'm confused :/

Bad friend, good times :/

I don't understand why everybody can be such a good friend. With all those attentions, caring-things, loving-things, and all of the I'm-your-bestfriend-gestures. And I? I'm just being this careless, insensitive friend. So why is that? I never be able to show my feelings, to show how much I care.

I personally think that I am sensitive enough, but the problem is that I always act carelessly, pretend that I don't see anything's coming. But, the truth is that I often see it! I'm just too idiot to let you know that I'm knowing something. But trust me, I do care. I always try my best to help you, to put you out of troubles, but perhaps what you always see is a heartless-zombie is doing some efforts to help you. Sometimes the zombie is succesfull, but again, everyting that the zombie has done is plain, flat, emotionless. The zombie fails to bring some emotion. Oh, please, I really want you to know that the zombie does involve her feeling (and again, that zombie is stupid, cause she doesn't know how to show it off)!

I feel sorry for myself, and I apologize to all of my close friends for being me. I'm not good at being a good friend. Pathetic, it is. Yes. I really cannot say it that I care of you and I love you all. No way, I can't say it, but I can write it down. I write it down for you.